You know while Skyping with our Production Company last week my twin and comedian sidekick, Cindy Daniel belted out her usual shocking ideas about what we might run across while searching for items to flip in customers homes, including but not limited to: Sex Toys! Horrified, I asked why on earth anyone with prior knowledge we would be entering their home would leave such items “laying about?”
“If it takes a double AA throw it away, I check the wattage.” This sentence was referring to running across a vibrator or other unexpected surprise.
As usual, I turned an stared at my twin in an open mouthed gasp! My twin sister is unfiltered and quick whitted.
You see, Cindy Daniel is uncensored and her classic one liners and shocking statements can surprise even me.
Known as RedneckReality, Cindy can sum up dang near any situation under the sun and always does! You can count on finding her at our events “visiting with the guests” because “they invited me and obviously these folks enjoy good company!”
My twin sister is the life of every party. I’m the serious one, the leader, the bossy one and often trying not to laugh at my sisters sassy redneck reality. She also thinks hillbillies are “elite geniuses” because they often don’t have money and need to “figure it out.”
Our adventures take us here, there and everywhere but when you’re traveling with two sets of twins and one of them is my saucy sidekick- buckle up baby because it’s gonna be an interesting trip.
#cindysm
“That guy is so crooked he has to unscrew his jeans every night.”
“That woman is so dry that when she goes fishing, the catfish need a canteen.”
“That guy is so self assured that he can strut sitting down.”
“They think a 7 course meal is a chicken and a six pack of beer ”
“Tighter than a rubber band”= cheap “more crooked than an elks horns” “slicker than the first sleet storm in Texas”
“slicker than cold lard”
“don’t burn my buns or could be bisquts”= your making me mad ”
“don’t step on my petticoat” = your making me mad ”
“so hot the fish need an IV”
“so hot I think my weave is melting” “so hot the ducks are swimming in dirt”
“I would rather hug a grizzly bear but could substitute that for cougar, lion or rabbid dog”
“all my pots cooking on the stove, why u in my kitchen” = mind your own business ”
#cindyism #cindyslang #cindyquotes #wendywortham #cindydaniel
“I didnt put a chair at MY table for you”
“It’s as hot as a stolen rifle out here”
“Sh acts like a shiny new penny, when we ALL know, she’s been spare change, in so many hip pockets, Abe’s head, is just a shadow”
“Don’t invite yourself to MY dinner table”
“It’s as cold outside, as a lawyers heart”
“She’s as QUICK, as schoolyard gossip”
“She’s as cracked as an engine block”
“Hey I got more pains (panes) than the stained glass, in a Catholic Church”
“Hey that tractor ain’t gonna plow”
“This smells downwind of the out house”
“She could talk the barn doors, off the hinges”
“She paid for a singer, but expects a band”
“This dinner smells like it doesn’t want to be eaten”
“She ain’t worth the salt it would take to JERKY her”
“That guy can’t tell the difference between a horse and a mule”
“Handy as bullets to a gun”
“Handy as rope to a hanging”
“Handy as electricity, to an execution”
“Handy as a lock in a walmart bathroom stall”
“Lower than a frog, snake or lizards belly”
“Like a squirrels dinner (nuts)
“Like a squirrels buffet (mixed nuts)
“More sticky than fly paper (clingy)
“So hot, cactus are bribing the dogs”
“Close your fly catcher (mouth)”
“She so nuts, thought a raid was a squat dance, even when the cops handcuffed her”
“His two fingers of whiskey, got him into a five finger fight”
“Ain’t got the sense to add water to bisquick and make drop biscuits”
“He can’t tell difference between bullets and beebees”
“Lower than a rug”
“Can’t tell difference between a rooster and a hen”
“Can’t tell the difference between a cow and a bull”
“Happier than a cow with a new calf”
“Happier than a dog with a new puppy”
“Can’t tell the difference between a lizard and a snake”
“Can’t tell the difference between bull frog and a horny toad”
“Slicker than a hog trough”
“You might be expecting a lizard, but I am gonna show you a gator”
“Who gave you permission to put a chair at MY table”?
“How you gonna tell me, how to paint my fence, when you don’t own a yard”
“Don’t tell me how to drive my wagon, when you don’t own a horse”
“unless your mowing my lawn, stay in your own yard” means same as above “don’t throw garbage over my fence, when you are living at the dump” =don’t criticize me
“you don’t own a glass slipper, so stop acting like a princess”
“closest she ever gonn get to royalty, is snow whites castle at disneyland”= she ain’t no princess ”
“got biscuits for brains”
“They want to lead in the Sunday dinner prayer, when there ain’t no chair at my table for them”
“she need to stop acting like her cleavage is ATM, because she don’t even own a bra, or a debit card”
“Just because it has wings, doesn’t mean it can fly”
“Just because it has scales, doesn’t mean it can swim”
“Just because it has wheels, and an engine, doesn’t mean it can drive”
“Just because you have TWO legs, doesn’t mean you can dance”
“So yea, he has the wood, but without a hammer and nails, he ain’t gonna build a fence”
“Just because that guy HAS a pole, doesn’t mean he CAN fish”
“Just because you OWN a gun, doesn’t mean, you know how to SHOOT”
Sometimes folks, you can give people what the NEED, and it can still go WRONG lol, God bless us ALL
“You can’t drive the chuck wagon, if you don’t know how to cook”
“If the crap gets any deeper here, I need a wetsuit and an air tank”
“She’s more full of crap, than grandpas outhouse”
“I didn’t set a place for you at my table honey”
“He don’t know the difference between a Chevy and a ford”
“My horses saddle ain’t big enough for any passengers”
“She stirs up more dirt and crap than a litter box”
“Don’t expect a champagne brunch, on a boones farm budget”
“His cologne smells worse than last weeks roadkill”
“This coffee is so strong, it strutted into the cup”
“I busier than a one armed cowboy, saddling his horse”
“Busier than a one armed diver, swimming away from jaws”
“Busier than a one armed farmer, milking a Holstein heffer”
“You could give her a gold ass hole , then she would complain her farts STILL stink”
“Busier than a one armed cattlemen during branding season”
“You could give her the world, and then she would ask, what about Mars”
“b like hugging cactus bush that somebody gonna get poked! And I don’t mean with a needle, I mean w a fist!
“bring a boogie board to ride the wave, of this shit storm”
“saddle up with rainboots today, cause we gonna be riding thru some shit”!
“she’s trying to plow our field, when she ain’t got the horse”
“Hey, she’s jumping a barbwire fence” (she’s gonna get cut)!
#she ain’t gonna get blood out somebody, that’s already been embalmed at the funeral home”! (She ain’t gonna get what SHE wants)
she clucking like a prize hen, but I ain’t seen no eggs coming out her other side”
“she’s all smoke and NO fire”
“acting like the MAIN attraction at the petting zoo, and expecting all of us to FEED her”
“saddle up with a canteen, cause this is gonna b a LONG ride”
somebody need tell her “don’t let your mouth write checks, your A$$ can’t cash”
#cindyism #cindyslang #texashumor #texasfunny #thepawningplanners #texastwinsevents #wendywortham #cindydaniel
“That guy is ROUGHER than SAND PAPER”
“Hey, I don’t REMEMBER putting out a WELCOME SIGN, for you”
“Don’t complain about the FOOD in the fridge, when you didn’t chip in, to BUY the GROCERIES”
“She’s like TEXAS weather, her ATTITUDE goes from BAD to WORSE DAILY”
“That guy is more NERVOUS, than a LAWYER taking his FIRST SUNDAY communion at CHURCH” “if my eggs get broken, I make SCRAMBLED eggs”
“there is a lot of smoke in the kitchen, but no food on the stove” means look out, because something isn’t right.
“the barn door is closed, horses already in the field” means, your too late.
“She could eat nails, and have screws come out the other end” means, she’s crooked.
“Don’t pull the biscuits out of the stove without a mitten” means, you could get burned.
“There’s smoke coming from her chimney, but nobody is home” means she’s crazy,
“her washer is running, but she’s got no clothes in it” same thing, crazy. ” “acting like she ordered a buffet, when she ain’t paid ala carte, for a basket of fries” means, they haven’t paid a deposit, and are asking for the world. “She wants a champagne affair, on a Budweiser budget” means, there expectations are too high. These are a few of my country sayings, that MOST of the time, my twin, wendy Wortham, doesn’t understand.
“I am happier than a bull rider during stock show” = happy ”
“smoke coming from chimney, but no wood in the fireplace= something’s wrong #cindyism #cindyslang #cindysquotes #wendywortham #thepawningplanners #texastwinsevents
“Don’t ask for a preacher, and expect a congregation , as a bonus”
“The only snap, crackle, pop in my house, is the kids cereal, left on the counter”
“She done took the WRONG turn, on the highway of life”
“I will try and pull you from the mud, even if, I fall in with you”
“So hey, you go to church on Sunday and take communion with that mouth, and kiss your mama too”?
“You could send him to the store for milk, and he would come back with bread”
Hey how you gonna tell me how to harvest MY crop, when you don’t even own a garden”?
“Don’t steal fruit from your neighbors tree, then complain its sour”
“Ain’t no slack, in her lasso”
“Look out, she’s on all fours, with her tail up” (ready to fight)
“She could start a fight, in an empty bar”
“I don’t take hitch hikers on my crazy train”
“Hey if she don’t know how to cook, what’s she doing in MY kitchen”
“Some folks invite you to dinner, then expect you to buy the groceries AND cook for them TOO”
“Don’t tell me how to drive, when you ain’t got a license”
“Hey, she’s so skinny, even her shadow done disappeared”
“Even if you step in old crap, it still has s new kind of stink”
“That frog, ain’t gonna jump or hop”
“That gun ain’t gonna shoot”
“More crooked than a basket of snakes, or a cup of fishing worms”
“She keep clucking like a prize hen, but I ain’t seen no eggs come out the other end”
“that guy hangs out more than grandma stockings= he’s lazy
“if you hug a rose bush, you could get poked”= approach with caution
“that person is so low, has to take an elevator to see hell” =no good
“she’s a few packs of smokes short of a carton”= crazy ”
“she, he or they are so rich they are taking the milking cow to the slaughterhouse”= they got money ” “don’t put the trailer before the mini van” = slow down
“happy as a duck in a pond” = happy ” “my old man is like bacon in a frying pan, he lost his pop and sizzle” = he’s old
“she’s got tumbleweed for a pet”= she’s got no personality and can also mean crazy. This are just a few of the Daily updates from my sister include “I’m so busy, you’d think we were twins!”
“She look like she been drug behind a cattle hauler on a trip around the world= she looks like shit”
“There so rich during the holidays, they use the Christmas tree for fire wood”
“If u ain’t driving my car, get out of my garage
“If u ain’t mowing my lawn, get out my yard
“She’s trying hitch her horses to our wagon
“She need keep her buggy out our barn
“Can’t get a champagne caviar affair on a bud and burger budget
Now ya all already know that Cindy is actually best at-
1. Acting like she’s working
2. Taking pictures of the little Pawners
3. Telling me how busy she is
4. Constantly complaining “Wendy works me to the bone”
5. Visiting with the guests and hiding from me while I seek to find her at events
6. Telling me if we have a Bridezilla- “get in there and get this done, I’m not having a good time here!”
7. Cindy often says “If I said what I was really thinking, somebody might faint”
8. Hitting a lick is something Cindy is constantly preoccupied with, occasionally she gets licked or ripped off on yet another of her “get rich quick schemes”
9. But “I try to keep my saddle oiled and my gun greased cause I’m gonna get lucky on the next lick sister!”
10. Cindy is a good time Charlie who loves nothing more than planning a fun event or excursion and normally forgets that at numerous events we arrived there to work!
What am I going to do? Cindy makes me laugh constantly and, although I have no idea where she comes with her quick witted one liners, she is and always will be “one of a kind.”
Being a twin, folks are normally surprised that I’m so much more “stiff, dry, demanding, goal oriented and rigid” than my twin.
To these folks I say “Im driving this wagon and many others at the same time and while I would love to kick back and relax- being the comedy half of the team was and never will be calling.”
Am I bossy? I don’t think so. Far be it from me to think of myself in a “bossy pants way popping Cindy’s garter while interrupting her good time.”
However, being a leader of the Texas Twins Team requires careful planning and execution, a professional attitude and while you may not ever see me laughing hysterically- rest assured, even I cannot help myself on my many adventures with our team and the little Pawners with Cindy riding shotgun in the SUV off on yet another adventure for Two Sets of Twins in Texas, I sometimes laugh so hard at my sister that I’ve got to pull over ya all!
Wendy Wortham
Texas Twins Events
www.texastwinsevents.com
Comments by Wendy Wortham